[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.