[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Is….Is this an option?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft