No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Remember folks 😂
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR