No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.