no such thing as a dumb question
You Might Also Like
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
just got my engagement photos
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.