no such thing as a dumb question
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
need a new bf mines broken 😐
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Huge, if true.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”