Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable