No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.