No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
yea so i messed up lol
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!