Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

You wish you had this many chins.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

Good dog. ❤️

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

do horses think humans are hats

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.