Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!