Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed