No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.