No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
i prefer mine room temperature.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋