Holy crap this is wonderful
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”