No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead