No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You learn something every day
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?