No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie