No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
You Might Also Like
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.