No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death