No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
You Might Also Like
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics