No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
We don’t deserve birds.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things