No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?