No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Finally, an explanation.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
lmfao come on
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills