Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Now this is how you LinkedIn

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?