no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan