no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?