No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Ummm 😳
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em