No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

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Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro


Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…


*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?


Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper


“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”


I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.


Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart



interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!


handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.