No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
mariah carrie
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
That de-escalated quickly
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
fr
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!