Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.