No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one