Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.