No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
You Might Also Like
The happy life.. 😊
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*