No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.