Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.