Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.