@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

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@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

@Pirate_nurse

In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym

@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@funnyordie

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

@Gupton68

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

@AbbieEvansXO

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

@david8hughes

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree