No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.