@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

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@gavinpivott

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

@Steelers1972

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

@nevernicethings

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

@Heronhell

When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone

@NewDadNotes

Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@Chumpstring

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run