No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

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The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.


If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.


When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone


Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then


[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?


COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it


It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.


Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run