No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

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Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!


In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym


We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.


-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?


Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.


Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.


Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW


[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree