No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no