Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child