No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
The Friday File.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.