No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score