No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
my astrological sign is a french fry
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.