Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”