Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

ㅤ

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?