No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet