No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.