No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?