Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is me 🤣🤣

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Limited budget

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.