1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Fun fact: The hip word “chillax” is a combination of the slang term “chill” and the more traditional word “laxative.”
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
Where would you like to go?
Get in the Spider Van.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.