No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Wednesday
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Okay, I’m still confused…
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?