Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Interior designer.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?