No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
You Might Also Like
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.