No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Lassie, get help!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”