Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Am I having a stroke?

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Netflix and awkward silence?

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

A game married people play.