Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks