Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

A leaf blower, but for people.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.