Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

men, we mow at sunrise.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?