Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.