No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
