No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Has science gone too far?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
my proudest tweet
