No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
this could fix me
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
become ungovernable
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*