No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The honesty is refreshing
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.