No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
incredible
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.