@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@UnFitz

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

@Mr_Kapowski

I haven’t cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox

@CheryeDavis

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.