No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I have a new favorite meme page
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: