No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.