Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances