Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you