Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Drive like no one is watching.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Bruh

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Brilliant!

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead