Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.