Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

girls literally only want one thing..

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.