No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You Might Also Like
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I told her, no I don鈥檛 want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I keep a survival log when I鈥檓 forced to fast before bloodwork鈥o yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
This story is comedy gold 馃槀
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don鈥檛 make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I鈥檓 gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it鈥檚 still hot.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Priest: Don鈥檛 chew gum in church.
Me: If I don鈥檛, I鈥檒l have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It鈥檚 your fault if I go to hell.