No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Life hack
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No