No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Traveler’s camo
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
what day is it?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.