No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.