No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
There’s never enough good news
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens