No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Go gym
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake