No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.