No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My god she’s good.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Is this you?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter