No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
i’m so sick of this guy
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The pasta is now
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast