No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.